She was telling me about what happened the night before. She was laughing.
She said it was raining heavily last night when a loud thunderstorm hit. She woke up only to find herself in the
middle of the room standing with her arms wrapped around her head screaming, “They’re here. They’re here. It’s
happening!”
25.02.2024
I was on the phone with my mom a couple of days ago.
Her voice did not sound like the perky nature I'm used to
hearing. I asked what’s wrong, and she admitted that she had been taking medication on a daily basis. The same
small pink pill she gave me the night she and my dad picked me up from the hospital and drove me home in 2020.
The same pink pill that is supposed to relax the nerves and heal trauma. “I was able to control my nerves and
anxiety more during the war in 2006,” she said, “You were kids, I remember we were hiding in the basement when
they were bombing around us. We were playing cards while hearing the loud explosives outside.” She continued,
“Do you remember?” “Yes, of course I do,” I answered. “I sometimes wonder, why/how were we so calm back then? I
didn’t need the pill then, why do I need it now?” She continued.
She had been taking this small pink pill since last monday, the day my hometown got bombed, the day we all
realized no one is safe anymore.
She tried to explain how loud it was. Louder than anything she had ever heard. So loud that she can still hear.
Deafening in her ears. “The fire came after”, she said. She recalls it was the biggest fire she had ever seen.
It was so close to her aunt’s house, where she was at the time. I called her a few minutes after hearing the
news. I called to make sure they were ok. I remember hearing the tremble in her voice, the siren of the
ambulance, and the neighbors’ screams in the distance. Sounds that I am very familiar with.
26.02.2024
I’ve been thinking of what happened yesterday all day today. I keep thinking about how her nightmare suddenly
became her reality. I wonder if she’s feeling better today. I doubt she is. I know I'm not.
27.02.2024
I was on the phone with my mom today.
She was telling me she saw on the news that there was a mass shooting that happened in Ottawa, Canada. 6 people
died. She was explaining how she freaked out when she saw the news because that’s where my brother lives. It was
1:30 AM his time when she called him, woke him up, and made sure he was okay. She said she felt bad for freaking
him out in the middle of the night but she wouldn’t have been able to continue with her day if she didn’t do
that. It’s been a full day since she checked on him, yet her heart still pounds heavily every time she thinks
about it.
07.03.2024
I was on the phone with my mom while she was telling me what happened earlier today. Apparently she was upstairs
when my dad was downstairs in the kitchen. He made a loud bang as he was closing one of the cupboards. The loud
sound made her jump to her feet and her heart to beat very fast. It has been 3 hours since it happened. Her
heart is still beating fast.
26.02.2024
I’ve been thinking of what happened yesterday all day today. I keep thinking about how her nightmare suddenly
became her reality. I wonder if she’s feeling better today. I doubt she is. I know I'm not.
27.02.2024
I was on the phone with my mom today. She was telling me she saw on the news that there was a mass shooting that
happened in Ottawa, Canada. 6 people died. She was explaining how she freaked out when she saw the news because
that’s where my brother lives. It was 1:30 AM his time when she called him, woke him up, and made sure he was
okay. She said she felt bad for freaking him out in the middle of the night but she wouldn’t have been able to
continue with her day if she didn’t do that. It’s been a full day since she checked on him, yet her heart still
pounds heavily every time she thinks about it.
07.03.2024
I was on the phone with my mom while she was telling me what happened earlier today. Apparently she was upstairs
when my dad was downstairs in the kitchen. He made a loud bang as he was closing one of the cupboards. The loud
sound made her jump to her feet and her heart to beat very fast. It has been 3 hours since it happened. Her
heart is still beating fast.
08.03.2024
I wake up, eyes barely open. I take my phone out and open instagram. Like a mother checking on her children, I
quickly go to the @eye.on.south.lebanon page. I check this page every morning to know if i should talk/check on
anyone—family or friends.
11.03.2024
I vividly remember a conversation I had with my khalo a while ago. He’s a couple of years younger than my mom,
but I always knew him with gray hair. I asked him about his original hair color, and it took him a while to
answer. Either he couldn't remember or he was trying to remember. A few seconds had passed when he finally said,
“brown I think”. I then curiously asked when his hair turned gray. He continued telling me the story of when he
was still in school during the civil war. They weren’t going to classes for safety purposes, but he had final
exams so he had to show up. On his way to school, he saw a car parked by the sidewalk. He was behind the car
when he realized there were two people sitting in the front. As he walked closer, he jumped when he saw that the
two people were actually killed. It was his first time seeing dead bodies. Later that day, his hair started
falling out in the shower. He told me that grandma told him it was a normal behavior his body is going through
after what he witnessed. And that was when his hair turned gray.
12.03.2024
I was on the phone with my mom today. She told me that Aline, my cousin, canceled her wedding that was scheduled
to happen in July. She and her boyfriend live in Dubai and were excited about celebrating their wedding in
Lebanon with family and friends. Mama said they canceled because of the current situation in the south. There
were people who were going to travel to be at the wedding, so they didn’t want to risk the situation getting
worse.
13.03.2024
I realized I'm the only one who flinches or makes a reaction every time an aircraft passes. It happened today in
class, I looked around and no one seemed to mind it, maybe they didn’t even notice it. I wonder if it was even
as loud as I thought it was. It might have been only loud in my head.
20.03.2024
We had a free writing exercise to do today. I decided to write about life in 2019. Most days were the same,
after class I would head back to my 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom, kitchenette studio-apartment on Abdel Aziz St. On my
way, I would run into familiar faces. I stopped and said hi to a couple before putting my headphones on and
ignoring the rest of the conversation. Small talk is my ultimate fear. I hate the awkward silence after the “how
are you” and the “how has your semester been?” I choose to avoid all that with headphones on, head down and
walking fast. I knew it was my fault for choosing to walk on Bliss street – knowing it’s where everyone will be
in between classes. I reach Abel Aziz, take my headphones off, put them around my neck and walk towards Raseef,
a coffee shop in the small alley across my apartment. I Walk in, say hi to everyone, and ask about their day. I
don't mind small talk here, in fact I love it and do it everyday. I sit at the bar and send a quick text on the
whatsapp group saying I will be having a drink there and ask if anyone wants to join. I check the clock and
order either arak or tea, the usuals depending on the time of the day. If is was too early, I order tea. If it
is past lunchtime, I will have arak. I go outside, sit on a table in the shade. I roll a cigarette while waiting
for my drink. Minutes later, my friends start walking in. One after the other the porch fills up with common
faces and one drink leads to another.
21.03.2024
I couldn’t reach my mom on the phone today. My brother and I decided to call her together at 3pm our time, 9
hers. It’s mother’s day today in the Middle East. We called 3 times, no answer. While waiting for her to answer,
we chatted a bit. We haven’t been talking much, me and my brother. After the 4th try, we both got worried. We
checked with our dad, he said she’s sleeping. But why is she sleeping at 9pm on mother’s day before she talks to
any of us?
24.03.2024
I was on the phone with my mom today. She called me early in the morning, my time. She said she wasn’t feeling
well last night so she went to bed early. She didn’t want to go into details but she said she’s better today.
She asked about classes, I asked about what she made for iftar then we hung up.`
25.03.2024
I was on the phone with my mom today. My brother was on the line too. I like it when the 3 of us are on the line
together. My dad is usually in the same room with my mom so when she’s on speaker, it feels like all 4 of us are
together. They kept asking me if something was wrong, I kept repeating that I'm fine. I don't know why they kept
insisting that I didn't seem fine. We chatted a bit about school, work, life, family and we hung up.
28.03.2024
I was on the phone with my mom today. She asked me about my classes and I asked her what she made for iftar
today. She said she made kafta in the oven, tabbouleh, and lentil soup. I then asked her about the situation in
Lebanon. She said it was still the same. “Mama, if I'm coming this summer I need to book soon, the tickets are
getting really expensive,” I said. “No no don’t book yet, let’s wait to see if things will get better,” she
replied. “NO, don't listen to her, book today!!” I heard my dad in the background. They proceeded to argue about
my booking and whether it’s safe for me to visit or not. She kept telling me to wait in order to see if the
situation is gonna get better while he insists that it’s completely fine for me to come. I said that I was
getting another call and I had to hang up. So, I hung up. There wasn’t another call.
Aya Khalife (she/her) is a bilingual designer born in Lebanon. She is interested in the intersection of language
across the visual field. Her work explores themes of trauma, offering insights into the complexities of memory
and history. She received her BFA in Graphic Deßsign from the American University of Beirut and is currently
pursuing her MFA at Virginia Commonwealth University.
